Some Plans Are Stupid
by Lauralot
Summary: Each year in Gävle, Sweden, a giant straw Yule goat is put on display during Advent. In 2005, two vandals dressed as Santa Claus and the Gingerbread Man set fire to the goat with a flaming arrow. This is why drinking is now banned on HYDRA missions.


A/N: The Gävle Goat is a real, massive Yule goat that is built out of straw and displayed during the Advent season in Gävle, Sweden each year. The goat was first displayed in 1966 and as of this writing, it has burned down twenty-seven times with the most recent incident occurring in December of 2013. In 2005, it really was burned down by two unidentified vandals said to be dressed as Santa and the Gingerbread Man. They used a flaming arrow to set the goat on fire.

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><p>The tac-team members are all very interested in the goat.<p>

They are in Gävle, Sweden. The Soldier is to eliminate a guest lecturer at the Gävle University College, someone whose research is causing trouble for HYDRA. The Soldier doesn't know what that trouble is. It's not his place to know, just to resolve the problem efficiently and quietly.

They are in a van, driving through an area the mission briefing had called Slottstorget in Swedish and Castle Square in English. This is when they see the goat. It is not a real goat; the Soldier is not sure if he has ever seen a real goat. He recognizes the shape, so either he has seen goats and has forgotten or HYDRA implanted the knowledge into his brain. It is likely the former. This mission is not about goats, so why gift him with that understanding?

The goat is made of straw and stands roughly twelve meters high. There are thick red ribbons around each of its limbs, its midsection, and its horns. Were the Soldier to further consider the goat, he would see no use in it, but he does not consider it, only notes its existence and turns his thoughts back to the mission. The goat is not his mission.

"The hell?" says Commander Rumlow. His driving slows.

"That," says Agent Rollins, "is one big goat." The Soldier thinks this is an obvious statement, but he is not meant to think. The agents, however, are allowed to think freely. They are much smarter than him and as such there must be significance to anything they say. The Soldier listens, silent, taking in their knowledge.

"It looks like an altar for some human sacrifice," Rumlow says. "Watch your back, Rollins, they'll be coming for the virgins."

Rollins punches Rumlow in the shoulder. There is a flare through the Soldier—Rumlow is the commander and also his field handler and no one is allowed to injure him—but Rumlow laughs and the assault does not continue. And the last time the Soldier hit an agent to protect the commander without prompting, he was punished. They allow him to remember that. He remains in his seat.

"It's a Yule goat," says the agent beside the Soldier. He is almost certain her name is Anders. "It's an Advent thing." Her voice is thick and her nose reddened. She has been coughing on and off since the mission briefing in the United States. The Soldier believes she is ill. He does not care, so long as she does not jeopardize the mission.

"Like we have reindeer?" Rollins asks.

The Soldier did not see any type of deer with their cargo. Perhaps the deer are in storage at one of HYDRA's bases.

Anders shrugs, wiping at her nose with a crumpled tissue. "They put up a giant goat every Christmas, been doing it since the sixties."

Christmas. It sounds familiar but clouded, as if he's hearing the word while underwater. The Soldier had a mission once that required him to conceal himself under the water for a time. An octopus had wrapped itself around his metal arm. He can't remember what became of the octopus. Perhaps it is in storage with the deer.

"It's been burned down over twenty times by vandals," Anders continues. "It's hilarious. Am I the only one who reads up on the places they send us?"

"I read up on the local bars," Rumlow says.

Anders starts to sigh but then sneezes.

They go to a bar once the mission is completed. Rumlow orders the Soldier to keep his coat on and buttoned over his combat gear and to keep his left hand in his pocket.

It is dark inside the bar, loud with voices and music. The Soldier sits beside Anders and watches as the other team members drink. They consume bottles upon bottles of dark and sour-smelling liquids; they must be very thirsty. Anders has only one small glass in front her and she sneezes on herself before she can drink it, then slips off into the restroom. The Soldier stares at the glass until he feels eyes on him. He raises his head and Rumlow is flushed and grinning.

"Go on, try it," he says, squeezing the Soldier's leg under the table. There's a strange, sliding cadence to his words as if he's developed a faint lisp. "You did good, Winter, you deserve it."

There's something light in the Soldier's chest. He isn't sure if he feels it because of the praise or because he has been referred to by a diminutive. The glass contains little more than a mouthful, but the effect is potent. It is bitter, putting heat in his face, stinging in his sinuses, and sending a burn down his throat and chest. Clearly the substance has restorative properties; Anders must have ordered it for the medicinal value. He hopes there is more of it for her.

Rumlow turns his attention back to Rollins. The Soldier sits, the warmth of the beverage slowly fading, and listens to them speak. They are talking about the bow.

Often, the Soldier is sent out with an array of secondary weapons so the mission will not be delayed should his rifle malfunction or be unsuited to the task if complications arise. This mission was no different. But one of the reserve weapons this time was a bow and a quiver of arrows and though the Soldier knows how to use them, he has gathered from the agents' reactions that this is an unusual weapon to have on hand.

"—you'd shoot yourself in the foot," Rollins is saying. "You don't know the first thing about archery."

"I know how to arch," Rumlow insists. He is leaning against Rollins as though he cannot support his own weight. The Soldier notes a correlation between the commander's liquid intake and his frequency of physical contact.

"Where the hell is my drink?" Anders demands, sitting back down. "Which of you assholes took my tequila?"

"Hey," says Rollins. "Blame the asset."

Anders looks at the Soldier. Her mouth falls open. "You let him _drink_?" She turns her focus to Rumlow. "Holy shit, do you have a death wish?"

"He looked thirsty," Rumlow says. He's giggling. "It's the season of giving, y'know. 'M a regular Robin Hood. With a bow. And, like, skills."

"I paid for that, you dick," she says. She looks like she is going to say more, but then she's coughing into the tissues again.

"Okay, _but_." Rollins says. His face is also flushed. "_But._ You get free shots if you're in a holiday costume, right? Free shots. Think about it."

Anders shoves the tissues back into her pocket, crossing her arms. "Absolutely not."

When they reach a store selling holiday costumes, whatever those are, they insist the Soldier dress up as well.

Rumlow shoves a package at him—"Merry early Christmas"—and steers him to the restroom to change over Anders's protests. They say he is an elf. The Soldier does not know what an elf is. Apparently elves wear shoes that curl up at the toes and pointed hats.

When Rumlow steps out of his own stall, he is dressed in brown with a red bow tie and green pompoms down his front. There are white accents at his neck, wrists, and ankles, and over his hair is a tight fitting brown cap with the same white trim, fastening below his chin. He is laughing very hard and insists on photographing the Soldier with his phone.

Rollins is in a red suit with a long, white, false beard over his face.

When they step out of the store's restroom, Anders begins making incoherent sounds. "Have you—he—when Pierce—that—"

"Where's your costume?" is all Rumlow says, slinging his arm over her shoulders.

"Where's your dignity?" she says, squirming away.

"Aw, come on," says Rollins. "You can be Rudolph! You wouldn't even have to wear a fake nose."

Anders punches him in the stomach. It is an effective shot and he is doubled over gasping. Then Anders is holding the Soldier's arm. "I'm taking him back to the hotel," she says. "You guys wanna get arrested for being drunken and disorderly and idiotic, fine, but if the asset's involved, Pierce'll kill us all. Come on, Soldier."

She takes a few steps. The Soldier does not move. The commander has not given him permission to leave.

"Soldier," she says, and he stares first at her and then at Rumlow, who giggles and wraps his arms around the asset's still form.

"Winnie likes me best," he says, shaking with laughter, and Anders just sighs.

"Whatever. Good night."

Then she is walking away and no amount of cajoling makes her turn around.

They are on their way back to the bar when they pass the goat again.

"Goats." Rollins shakes his head. "What do goats even have to do with Christmas? Reindeer, that's different."

"How many times did Anders say it's been burned down?" Rumlow asks. He is leaning on the Soldier now. Once every few minutes he will touch the Soldier's left hand and then flinch away from the cold temperature. He is still very flushed. The Soldier wonders if he has caught Anders's illness.

"Like twenty-five?" Rollins guesses. "Twenty?"

Rumlow stands upright, although he sways a little. "Let's make it twenty-one."

They do not remove the costumes when they retrieve the bow and arrows. The Soldier worries at first that this is a huge tactical error, but the commander would not make such an elementary mistake. The costumes are so bright and visible that they will actually deflect suspicion, because nobody would be foolish enough to commit an act of vandalism in such attire. The plan is stunning in its brilliance. The commander is a credit to all of HYDRA.

There are lights and cameras around the goat as well as a fence. These obstacles are no match for Rumlow's ingenuity. They will be out of view of the cameras and lights due to their choice of weapon, and the fence is not high or solid enough to interfere with their shot. The Soldier believes this may be HYDRA's simplest mission ever.

Rollins seems less confident in their chances for success. "You're gonna miss," he says as Rumlow takes out an arrow. "Or shoot somebody. Maybe yourself. You're wasted. Give it to Hermy." Here, he indicates to the Soldier.

"His name's _Winnie,_ I'm just buzzed, and I am _so_ capable of this. So capable. You don't even know, Jack. You don't even…" He trails off, pulling a box of matches from their gathered supplies. "Now shut up and light this."

Neither Rollins nor Rumlow is able to light the match. Perhaps their movements are hindered by the cold. He strikes the match with the metal hand so he will not be injured if the match burns down while he lights the arrow. When the task is accomplished, he steps back, providing Rumlow space to ready the shot. The Soldier glances around them. No one has taken notice yet.

"If you don't hurry up, there'll be nothing left," Rollins says, and Rumlow lets the arrow fly.

There is an arc of burning light through the air.

The arrow has barely landed in the goat's flank before wide swathes of flame are spreading over its surface. The Soldier cannot remember ever seeing fire spread so fast. Another victory for HYDRA. He stares, transfixed.

"_Holy shit,_" says Rumlow. He says it very loudly. The flames are drawing onlookers, and some of them turn toward the commander when he speaks.

The Soldier waits two seconds for Rumlow and Rollins to flee on their own. They do not move, still watching the progress of their assault.

The Soldier darts forward, grabs their arms, and runs.

They protest as he races them away from the scene—Rumlow says not to worry because gingerbread men can't be caught, which the Soldier doesn't understand—but there are no direct orders to stop. He does have direct orders from his programmers to keep his handlers safe as long as it does not interfere with the mission, so he continues running. Several times he doubles back to try and shake off any potential pursuers. When he is satisfied they are not being followed and are sufficiently far from the site of the fire, the Soldier shoves the agents into an alley.

Their clothing is still on beneath the costumes, so he sets to work ripping those away. His own hat has been lost during the run, but he removes the rest, placing the clothing in a heap on the asphalt. He takes the matches from the commander and sets fire to the evidence.

Rumlow does not look pleased. "But we were gonna get free shots, Winnie!"

"If I get any colder," Rollins says, "my balls are gonna snap off. Let's just go back to the hotel before the cops find us."

"But—" Rumlow protests. Still, he follows Rollins, so the Soldier follows him.

Anders is sleeping when they return to the hotel, wrapped tightly in the blankets on her bed. Rumlow shakes her awake. "Anders! Anders! You've gotta hear about—"

She jerks into consciousness, fist darting from the sheets to connect with Rumlow's face. "Shut the hell up, sir."

"But we—"

This time she sneezes on him. After that, Rumlow stops trying. He and Rollins take the opposite bed and tell the Soldier to lie down on the mattress beside Anders. The Soldier cannot sleep without chemical aid, but he obeys. They do not say whether he should remove his boots first, so he leaves them on in case a sudden escape should prove necessary.

Rumlow turns on the television and flips through the channels. They are all in Swedish, which no one in the room speaks, but they do find a news station that seems to be discussing the goat. A reporter speaks into a microphone while the smoldering frame that lay beneath the straw is framed behind her. Rumlow and Rollins laugh very loudly, but Anders does not stir.

"Hail HYDRA," says Rumlow.

"Hail HYDRA," Rollins echoes.

The Soldier smiles.

* * *

><p>AN: Anders is a character who's appeared in three of my previous fics: _International House of Stockholm, All Mine (You Have to Be)_, and _And All The Good You've Done (Will Soon Be Swept Away)_. She is the invention of Archive of Our Own author bofurrific, first appearing in her fic _Brock Rumlow doesn't need transphobic pieces of shit on his team_. She appears here as always with bofurrific's permission.

The octopus that wrapped itself on the Soldier's arm is also in reference to bofurrific's writing. In this case, her fic _I've found the velvet sun that shines on me and you._

Hermy is the name of the little elf who wants to be a dentist in the Rankin-Bass stop-motion film _Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer._


End file.
